Grief and Persevering Love
This is going to be a tough one to write out. I apologize in advance if this is a difficult read for anyone struggling this season over the loss of a loved one, but this is something central to where I am in my spiritual journey - and I know I am not the only one. Holiday seasons can bring a lot of hope, joy, love, and fun; but for many it can also bring back reminders of people that we no longer have with us to enjoy this season with. One of those people is my dad. My dad was my rock, my superhero…always reliable, full of life, love, and fun. He was a one-of-a-kind pastor. At 69, he had the energy of kid and everyone who met him instantly became a new friend. Dad never met a stranger.
Dad got sick with COVID during Thanksgiving. He was visiting my sister and I here in Navarre, and at 2am on that Thanksgiving morning he and mom drove to Gulf Breeze hospital because it was hard for him to breathe. They released him later that morning and said to come back if he gets worse. We celebrated Thanksgiving and decided to celebrate his 70th birthday (which is on November 29th) the next day so he and mom could drive back to Tallahassee in case he started to get worse.
It’s only when you look back on things that you see the finality in them. The last hug, the last words, the last laugh. You don’t know it when it happens, life isn’t always fair in that way. I was already having a really tough year, and during Thanksgiving (despite being sick) dad still wanted to make sure I was okay. He gave me a tight hug, chucked my chin, and said, “You got this.” That was last time I saw him awake.
The next few weeks were anything but festive. While the world began trying to have as normal of a Christmas season as it could, my family experienced the nightmare of having a loved one in the hospital with COVID. No one is allowed to visit the patient, so updates could only be made whenever we called the nurse’s station to get the latest on how he was doing. There was a point when I think Dad truly realized he wasn’t going to make it. We got a call from his cell phone (I think the nurse may have helped him) and he wanted to tell us that he loved us. “Take care of one another,” he said as we all fought back tears. That was the last time we heard him. Dad was put on a ventilator shortly after that and was never able to recover.
I do have one solace in the fact that by the time we all knew the inevitable was going to happen, we were able to visit him in the ICU – one at a time. Some say when you’re sedated the patient can still possibly hear you, so we made an effort to talk to him as much as we could. I will always remember those last precious moments with Dad. During one of my visits, I brought his Bible and the anointing oil he would use on people to pray over them when they were sick. I anointed his head and then read the entire Gospel of Matthew to him by his bedside. Despite it all, my family and I were blessed to be at his bedside when the ventilator was taken off and we heard his last few breaths. We played his favorite songs from the Gaither Vocal Band and allowed him to be carried to Jesus. It was also the most beautiful day outside, as if the heavens had opened up and the party started just for him.
Many have stories like this. And they are carrying a heavy burden this holiday season. Thanksgiving and Christmas will always have a tie to the experience I have with the loss of my dad. I’ve had to learn what grief is, but I do not lose hope. And if anything, that’s what this season is about: hope. I heard a quote from Marvel’s WandaVision show recently that has stuck with me: “What is grief, if not love persevering?” And in a way I think that line beautifully encapsulates the feelings I have over the loss of my dad. When I grieve, I am continually showing the deep love I have for him. The love I have for my dad perseveres.
Christ’s love for us also perseveres. We are reminded during this time of the year that Christ is the hope of the world. The beautiful, peaceful babe born in a manger has come to give us hope. Despite the grief that God has with His people turning away from Him, His love perseveres. Despite Jerusalem rejecting its Savior at the time of the Messiah, His love perseveres. And it continues to persevere for us today. God sending his Son into the world is the ultimate sign of God’s persevering love for us. Grief is not something to necessarily avoid. In fact, some of the most beautiful, enlightening, and breathtaking art the world has ever seen or heard came from an overflow of grief. Our grief does not have to paralyze us. It can be used to create something new or motivate us. It was out of grief over His people turning away from Him that God sent his son Jesus into the world. His love for us was persevering when that tiny babe was wrapped in a manger. His love for us was persevering when that babe grew up to suffer for our sins and die on the cross.
May that hope continue to strengthen us and bless us throughout the season and beyond.